My lowest day on the mental health spectrum

3rdApril 2020

2020 - well this year certainly seems like the year of the devil.

From bushfires, floods, earth quakes to and now COVID-19 just to name a few - Here’s my eff right off to you 2020. Don’t come back another day, or another ever. IN FACT - JUST GO AWAY!

Some background: Three years ago, I had a steady full-time job, but it was a job that was all of a sudden being met with severe anxiety. I am not going to go into the what or why, but this was my situation, so I walked away. I walked away with a debt because I had just received 12 months maternity leave, to which I had to return for nine months to pay back. I left without paying that nine months back, therefore, I walked away with a debt to the University. But, for me, my mental health and my family I thought, "f*ck it" and I found the courage to just walk. I may not have done it in the best way possible - but I still did it. I did it for me and for my family - because I was not being the best version of myself.

I then fell into a new job, a casual job - now this casual job had perks, good money and the opportunity to pick my shifts. To be at home during the day and work at night time. I thought I would be helping people in this job, but the reality was - I wasn’t helping people and nor could I. Not to the capacity in which I wanted to help people. That, and it was killing my brain.

Then I fell into another job - in a completely different industry. I got to work with one of my dear friends, work in an office with her, help her complete her daily tasks and help keep her life in check. It was wonderful, but then; after almost a year that job had to come to an end for several reasons. It just wasn’t working for both myself and my beautiful boss. So, we made the decision, together, for me to finish up. A hard one for both of us, but the best thing for both of us as well. I loved that job and the girls I was lucky enough to work with. I really miss them.

But 2020 was the year where I decided to take my life by the balls (for lack of a better term) and follow my passion, I decided to take a leap of faith and dive into something I love full time.

Both myself and my husband are trying to pursue our passions and make it full time in our own little businesses. Me as a celebrant marrying people and also celebrating wonderful lives, and Danny teaching guitar and playing gigs. Sounds like a wonderful life doesn’t it? So many of our friends and family were congratulating us and singing our praises for doing this, for taking control and being ok with such a risk. But who wouldn’t want to support their loved ones when they could see how happy we were doing what we loved?

Fast forward 2 months.

Well now, the only thing we have that is still working for us is Danny’s very supportive families who have allowed him to take the guitar lessons online. You don’t know how thankful I am for those families right now.

Yes, I could go back out there and start offering legals only weddings, but why would I? Why would I when we have made the decision to lock down our house to visitors, to seeing our beautiful family and friends. Why would I, when we have made the decision for our beautiful little Chilli girl to stay at her Mum’s to keep her and that household safe.

I am sorry lovers who want to get married, but after making those decisions as a family I just can’t then go out in public and do it. Plus - my heart isn’t in it right this moment. I want to celebrate your love and your marriage when I am at my best - when I can give you my all and when you can celebrate with all of those people whom you hold nearest and dearest. I don’t want you to compromise your big day just to get it done. I want it to be your dream day! Plus, the government are saying STAY AT HOME unless it is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY TO GO OUT!

I know I am whining right now - and I am probably sounding a little ungrateful and poor me - because the facts are - I have my health, I have my family, I have roof over my head, clothes on my back food in my cupboard and love in my household. But, I also cannot sleep at night, I feel like my stress and anxiety doesn’t let up unless I am run off my feet busy doing household chores, chasing my family around picking up stuff they have just put down, or cleaning a surface I have already cleaned 5 times, or worse, running myself dead from exercise. I don’t have an appetite for anything good for me right now and I feel caged - caged and wired 24/7. And I cannot help people, hug people or spread love and joy.

Anyone who knows me well knows how much I love helping people, how much I love being with and around people and how much I love spreading joy and love when I can.

So - I should probably give you some perspective as to why I am flipping out like I am today. Because yesterday, I was doing ok. This morning when I woke up, I was doing ok. Not great - but ok.

Our house sale fell through a week or more ago - a contract which was due to go unconditional over 6 weeks ago, my work stopped (no weddings for potentially 6 months), Dan’s gigs stopped (this is all stuff you know if you read my last post). But then, this morning I get a call from our Real Estate to tell me that our tenants are now giving their notice and will be out of our house within a month. ARE you F*cking serious?!

I felt like saying to the lovely agent on the other end of the phone. It’s not her fault, it’s not the tenant’s fault - but again, we took a risk and decided to chase something we loved - we bought a new little home - a home which has brought us much happiness over the last 4 months. We knew it was a risk buying a house when ours wasn’t sold but we thought we will be fine - our old house is lovely, it’ll sell and if not - there’s a huge market for rental at the moment in the Valley. Just take the risk and it’ll all work out in the end.

Well guess what - it’s been on the market since September and it’s still for sale and now it’s soon to be empty. Leaving us with two mortgages to carry and off all to zero income.

Again, I know we have a home, clothes, food, health and love - but right now - right now on Friday the 4th of April when I sit at my kitchen table to write this latest update I am a broken woman.

I am yelling at my son what feels like every 2 minutes because he is climbing the walls, acting out and being naughty and just wanting and needing my attention 24/7. He is just needing my comfort and love to make him feel safe - but I can’t give it to him. My husband who is trying desperately to support, love and hold me up - again - I have nothing. I just feel broken.

~ I am not for one-second taking anything away from anyone else who is in a more dire, severe or serious situation. In fact, I am acknowledging it. I am scared for people that I know are sick right now and cannot receive the treatment they need to survive or get better. Some friends who are pregnant, scared and worried that they won’t have a safe environment to welcome their babe. Those in our community who have lost all forms of income. Those who do not have a home or safe place for shelter. Our loved ones and friends who are doing isolation on their own. My families who I work with who have lost someone dear to them and not been able to celebrate their life with a fitting celebration. Those who have lost someone to this god-awful virus and those who are fearful of losing someone. You are in my heart and thoughts every day.~

You’re probably thinking, does this long, long rant have any point to it? Well, yes it does. Firstly, it gets these dark and soul crushing feelings out of my brain, it gives me a tiny, tiny release from all the hurt, anger and scared feelings that are consuming me.

And it keeps me real, raw and accountable in what is such a scary bloody time.

If it only helps me, then I’m hitting my bottom line. You see, whenever I do something in life - I always have a bottom line. My bottom line is ONE. If I can reach one person, help one person or give one-person comfort, love or a laugh - then, I am winning. So today, my ONE person is me.

Bottom line met. – Kellie Eddy 3.4.2020

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Photo credits: Sherise Fleming Photographer & Danae Studios

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