April 1st, 2020.
- What’s isolation like for me?
- How am I coping?
Well if I am 100% honest, I (probably like most extroverts) am really struggling with the concept of being locked inside. Not being able to go and see my friends, go down the street and just wander around aimlessly.
My husband on the other hand is absolutely loving being restricted to our little compound.
It’s been 10 days since my last wedding and whilst that was a little stressful due to the restrictions in place at the time, that stress was nothing compared to what I am feeling and facing on a daily basis now.
No weddings, means no work. Yes, it was me who made that decision to stop doing weddings and believe me that was a hard f*rking decision - that was met with many sleepless nights, headaches, tears and twisted tummy emotions. But it was a decision that was made together, with my husband, as a united front. One to protect our own.
To give some context - I have an elderly father, who has very limited lung capacity. I have an an elderly mother in law who is much the same and my young babe Bowie. People who I need to protect at all costs.
Side note* I really applaud and am so thankful to my couples for accepting this decision and not making me feel like the cold hearted bastard I made myself out to be.
Many of my colleagues (celebuddies) are still out and about performing weddings and helping lovers get hitched and whilst I am absolutely stoked for them and applaud them still playing super hero and getting these lovers hitched - it also left me feeling a little stupid. Had I made the call too early? Had I completely screwed over my couples who still wanted to go ahead? Had a sabotaged my business? My business that means absolutely everything to me.
The shit feelings and stupid thoughts just come streaming in. All day. All night. (I am seriously my worst enemy and probably am going to send myself to an early grave with all the shit I put on myself. )
So, back to my first question - what is isolation like for me? Well it’s torture. Because I am trapped in a house and missing my Mum, Dad, Grand parents, in laws, niece, steps kids, friends, family and old colleagues. Oh how I long for a hug from My dear Mum. She is my best friend and my closest confidant . The person I go to for everything. The person who sometimes I can just sit next to in a room, and say nothing - but feel like all that weight instantly drops off my shoulders by just being next to her in a room.
I miss walking down the street as I said before.
I miss the people who would normally drop into our home. I miss being able to let my little one outside to play with his new best friends across the road.
I miss the absolute shit out of my little step daughter Chilli. She is staying at her Mum’s place to be safe. It’s been weeks since we have seen her sweet little face. It breaks my freaking heart into a million pieces when Bowie asks for Chilli. “When is Chilli coming back Mum? Can we see Chill yet”? My answer “I don’t know baby” with tears streaming down my face.
I miss going to my sanctuary - my gym. I miss seeing the faces of the people whom I regularly train with - the people who push me through the hardest work outs known to man kind. I miss those beautiful trainers, who continuously push me to my limits whilst applauding my efforts and keep me accountable.
Because I am locked up, - I like every other human right now, am spending far too much time on the socials and wasting hours on end looking at random shit that is not beneficial to my learning or my day. I am taking photos and videos of everything and then posting way too much to my socials, and probably annoying the piss out of all of my followers (soz)
I am drinking almost daily, not like me at all. It’s not to excess, but it’s at least one or two every day. (Sorry Mum, I know you’re worried about this)
I am now drinking coffee almost daily, (ok, ok, it’s mocha, but it still counts, right?)
I watch the news every day, when before this I NEVER turned that shit on because it was too depressing - but now suddenly I am glued to that depressing, stressful shit.
But mostly, I miss having the :”freedom” to go outside and do what I want, when I want.
But along with it being torture for the above reasons, isolation is also incredible.
Everyday, I am trapped in a house with my two of my most favourite people. It’s the new three amigos - me, my husband Danny and my 3 year old son Bowie.
I get to spend hours of quality time with the ever so patient Danny. The poor fella who has to watch my rage steam up through my entire body and figure out ways to calm me. I get to see every, single, thing my son does from 7:30 am - 8pm at night. And I mean everything! Because he has suddenly become super reliant on someone always being right by his side.
I am forced to stop. Forced to try and relax. Forced to pause for just a moment and take in what my immediate surroundings are, instead of jet setting off here and there like I normally would.
I get to do my hard arse work out with my husband by my side, as I push him along to enjoy it with me. I do get to go out for my daily walk, now my daily bike ride and my daily 1-3 hours outside when the sun is shining.
I get to sit either inside our outside with my beautiful 11 year old beagle Ollie - who is loving iso sick by the way. And spend some quality time with my new baby Toast - our absolutely stunning kitty cat who is 8 months old. Oh how those snuggles are the bomb!
I am not doing my hair, (like at all) - so it’s feeling the relief from a break of too many hot tools and products. My face is getting a rest from my Homer Simpson make up gun and my skin is it’s natural colour - not having fake tanned my skin for 12 days! Those who know me will be thinking - WTAF Kellie - who are you? Lol
While I sit here and write this, my first blog ever - I am sitting in my back yard, on the grass, in the sunshine - watching Bowie play, and listening to my husband teach guitar via zoom to his ever supportive students.
This is something I would not have had the chance to do - were I not “trapped”
So - whilst I am only 10 days in to our full house lock down, and all 10 of those days have included tears - I will learn.
I will grow as a person.
I will learn to stop and just be content with my surroundings.
I will learn so much about myself, so much about my relationship with my husband and oh so much about the happenings of Bowie and his every movement.
And I will come out of the other side of this hopefully more calm, more at peace with being still and much, much stronger!
Five weeks ago, my biggest worry was that I had just walked away from my day job, not done a funeral in four weeks and only had 52, possibly 53 weddings booked in for the year. Thank fark, now at least I will have learned decent perspective.
So from me to you, thank you for reading and if you have made it to the end - Well bloody done. Until next time - stay safe and keep soldiering on - cause - we WILL get through this and we WILL be stronger on the other side.